solo girl chronicles: just be an angry bitch sometimes
Sometimes you’ve gotta let yourself be a crazy angry bitch.
And that’s just the truth.
For so long I denied this inner whisper I had. I just wasn’t feeling heard. I was feeling judged. I was feeling like I had to censor myself to actually have a conversation.
And I was so over it.
However, I was in a business partnership with this person. We had documents, signed and dated, that not only indicated we had a friendship, but that we actually had a brick and mortar business together, along with a few other women.
So I had some really tough moments, some really tough days. I wanted to stick it out. I knew I loved this person on a soul level, I knew in many ways, the judgement I felt from her was a mirror of my own judgement towards myself. I knew that she was a sister, and so I really wanted to be committed to the relationship. I really did.
But after 4 months of denying my intensely loud inner whispers, shit hit the fan, and the deed had to be done. The business had to be walked away from, the friendship needed to be let go of, the conversations needed to be had.
Now, let me tell you, even though I’m a fiery motherfucka on some days, most of the time, I’m actually really sensitive. I love community, I love when people get along and celebrate in love, and I love loyalty in friendships.
So of course, I wrestled. I wanted to keep things “all good”. I wanted to be that spiritual person I thought I needed to be.
I wanted to be calm, and clear, and fair, and in my truth. I didn’t want to pass blame, or get angry, or cause a scene.
But that’s exactly what I did.
Because that’s exactly how I felt.
During the process of walking away from this partnership, I had to let a couple of years worth of feeling denied + being treated as “lower” come up. I had to let go of the desire to only stay in the space of love, and I really had to just let myself go through it.
So the e-mails I sent, at the start, were angry.
The conversations I had were raw.
The tears came, the fire came, the outrage came.
And in those moments, I let it happen, because I knew.
Because I knew that even though I am a spiritual teacher of sorts, I had to let go of what I though that meant. I had to really just honor how I felt, and let myself be human, away from any ideals of how I thought I needed to be.
And so I processed. I raged, I did a lot this alone, I went out to nature, I burnt letters in ritual asking for help in getting over it. I was respectful to myself first and foremost, not to someone else. Loyal to my feelings, not to some ideal.
And within a couple of weeks, the anger turned to apathy. The rage turned to seeds of compassion. The warrior became more introspective, as she had accomplished what she needed to.
And yet, this other person…. Even though I knew she felt some of the anger I did. Even though I knew she really did have judgements about me… Even though I knew she had things on her mind… She did not vocalize them.
She was the ‘spiritual’ one.
She was the “let’s talk about this when we’re calm” one.
She was the ideal.
And months later… She is the one that carries the anger. Not me.
She is the one who has layers of unspoken energy around her. Not me.
Because I let myself be a crazy angry bitch.
And then I processed that shit like a boss.
Sometimes being spiritual means getting real. Sometimes how we want to be, is not how we need to be.
And when we can get over the “shoulds” we can move into the truth.
And truth feels damn good, let me tell you.
Tell me in the comments, when was the last time you just wanted to be an angry bitch and didn't let it out?
Solo Girl Chronicles is a new weekly series on the blog. I am opening up the blog to admirable girls I have come across from years of "living" online who surprisingly have a lot more in common with my story, and maybe even yours, of anxiety disorders and social mental blocks than anyone would realize. Sometimes you just a need a chance to share your voice. After that, we all realize how similar we really are, and how no one is alone when it comes to the human experience. If you'd like to share your story, please see my new submissions page here.