exclusive: fabulous daily life of target market females
The pale moonlight stretches out across the perfectly virginal white , bone-straight bed sheets, as the clock switches silently to 6:30am signaling the start of a brand new day in the fabulous life of the target market female. This is the beginning of an Instagram-worthy 24 hours. Like all the others. No matter what.
Without even slightly messing up the 900-count Persian sheets (Egyptian was so 2004) unless the theme of the day is bed kitten's tousled moments, or without pulling crust out of the corner of her eye, or waking up her perfectly chiseled spouse, the target market female emerges gracefully from sleep into lotus pose welcoming the brand new day with gratitude as recommended by Martha Stewart and FitSugar and Gabrielle Bernstein and Cosmo and Chuck Norris. (Que the daily journal app.) This zen awakening (literally, not figuratively) is followed by a well curated breakfast of fresh juice, pomegranate seeds, and the bottled water Jennifer Aniston loves made lovingly in America, not the one that comes from the French Alps allegedly.
The target market female knows she is getting old. Without hesitation, she ever so slightly regurgitates her breakfast before swallowing it again as demonstrated on ABC's hit anti-aging show The Doctors, then proceeds to bathe her face in clear blue water that splashes about in an artistic slow motion, before lathering up every inch of her skin in LaMer, as if there is any other brand worth acknowledging. Remember: it's never too early to worry about signs of aging. Including Honey Boo Boo's age group.
It's also never too early to worry about heart disease. And with that thought in mind, the target market female enjoys a bowl of choice bran cereal before dancing through her closet and departing her tastefully appointed home dressed to impress. She heads first to the coffee shop in the next town over, the one that understands her standards of fair-trade commerce and vision for anti-capitalist economies, not the one in back of her house that only cares about domestic company culture. While waiting in line she resists the urge to accept compliments on her wrinkle-free skin. She then drives back home in her fuel-efficient compact vehicle and takes the tram to work.
The target market female can really do it all, especially aided by the perfectly compact tampons she can discretely hide in her bag. She does light office work before craving 100-calorie snack bars that will give her a mental orgasm and better digestion while also combating her lack of protein since she is clearly a vegan now. If there are no snack bars left, she can choose a carefully concocted fresh juice delivered to her cubicle that will help keep her figure neat and trim.
After a well-managed stressful day at the office, she grabs her mineral vitamin electrolyte flavored water out of the company fridge and heads over to the fitness studio for her workout. Gyms are for meat heads. No sweat involved please. I mean really. What are we, animals?
The target market female needs to make a statement with her workout clothes or else there really is no point in making an appearance since there is the more convenient option of working out at home via Skype with her trainer or via her iPad apps. Luckily, with her brilliantly whitened teeth, she is a megawatt star without even stepping foot onto the treadmill. The men at the gym keep an eye on her. She knows it is because of the wrinkle cream. Or the invisible agricultural crop trapping her dead babies before they embarrassingly appear on her neon pink yoga pants. It could also be the confident-boosting silicone accessories filling her sports bra, but one will never know. She quickly notices her notoriously ambiguous friend who has porcelain skin like Nicole Kidman framed by an afro like Solange Knowles is over by the water cooler. She joins her, never once drinking the water of course, and they begin to chat about their breast tenderness, prescription medications, and choice of condoms.
Back at home after a vigorous fitness regimen of stretching and maternity breaths, the target market female feels rejuvenated and empowered as she knew she would. With this new burst of energy she dusts every surface of her house with an adjustable mop that is convenient and easy to store. The dishes are washed on auto-pilot and every grease stain is magically removed leaving behind a streak-free shine on all her crystal wine glasses. She envisions a world that smells like control with a touch of soft scrub abrasiveness. It is then she realizes that dinner is not prepared- but she need not worry. The target market female always has a deliciously healthy menu option on hand or at least on speed dial. With a quickly preheated oven, she will have a meal ready to serve before non-sweaty, perfectly sculpted, dentist-lawyer-investment banker spouse returns from his hour at the members-only gym.
With dinner plans resolved, she reclines back in her handcrafted rescue wood chairs that support starving women, and enjoys a cup of coffee with the creamer that she deserves. She closes her eyes and is whisked off to an exotic coffee-growing country. Her white linen shirt billows in the breeze as the temperature rises... and rises. Until she opens her eyes and finds her ready-made meal burning into fine ash at the bottom of the oven. Devastated, she starts to believe that her life might not be fabulous after all, showing her emotional state in body language only as her waterproof mascara refuses to disappoint her any further.
The door opens, and without skipping a beat, her perfectly sculpted spouse glides into the dining room pulling out specialty brand oven cleaner and an equally healthy ready-made meal from an unmarked paper bag. The target market females sighs with relief and gushes with gratitude worthy of her daily journal app and #sohappyrightnow Instagram series. Life truly is fabulous.
If this tickled your fancy, you may like my post about the exclusive look into fashion bloggers' fabulous lives.